A Different Perspective of Hogwarts
by Hentai-Dorkfish
Summary: A side of Hogwarts nobody ever knew existed... not even us. Madam Pomfrey is out to get the students. Cho “mysteriously” disappears. There are screwed up love affairs going on in the oddest places. And a whole bunch more of off the wall... stuff.
1. Chapter 1: Pimp Daddy

Chapter 1  
  
Pimp Daddy  
  
"So did you get the money? Your deadline was up a week ago, Ginny…" Ron looked angry. The common room was dead quiet with anticipation. Ginny knew Ron wouldn't be happy with any answer she gave him.  
  
"They… They just aren't as randy as they used to be… business is just isn't as good as last year!" She tried to be convincing but she knew Ron would see right threw her mask.  
  
"What's going on Ginny? Are you PMSing or something?"  
  
"It's just… me and Hermoine have been talking and… we aren't into it anymore. It's just too degrading. Sorry Ron we can't work for you anymore…"  
  
"What! I don't understand! Wasn't I treating you good? What can I change Gin, huh? I need you to work for me! You can't leave!" Ron was more than angry now. He had a feeling this was going to happen; ever since the beginning of the year both Gin and Hermoine had been acting weird. Like they weren't satisfied or something, it didn't matter anyway Ron needed money for the new "equipment" Lavender had been begging for.  
  
"So what did he say?" Hermoine had been standing outside the entire time, waiting for the news.  
  
"O' he really gave it to me."  
  
"Ginny, that's disgusting! He's your brother!" Hermoine contorted her face with disgust.  
  
"NO! That's not what I meant! He just got really angry! You bloody whore!" Ginny looked offended.  
  
"WHAT!" Snape steps out of the darkness, he had been listening the entire time he turned on his heel and strides away. Ginny and Hermoine swear under their breath and run after him.  
  
"Professor! Please don't tell anyone about that!" They yell in unison.  
  
"What's in it for me?" Snape asked with a smirk.  
  
The two look at each other in disgust.  
  
'Didn't think it would get this outta control…' Hermoine thought to herself. 'Now how in the hell are we gonna do anything for HIM???'  
  
"Well, it all depends on what you want?" Ginny said, smiling at Snape.  
  
*cough slut cough*  
  
"What are you thinking??? Every one knows that!!!" Snape said, staring at Hermoine, "Who isn't in this school? Besides I want Hermoine to do me a favor." Hermoine's glare was pure poison.  
  
"Okay, whatever keeps you quiet!" Ginny skipped off merrily, leaving Hermoine and Snape to discuss the negotiation.  
  
"So, what do you want?" Hermoine obviously wasn't happy with the situation Ginny left her to handle.  
  
"Meet me in my quarters at ten tomorrow night." He wore an evil grin as he started down the corridor. Hermoine just stood there until Snape was out of sight. Then she turned to leave while thinking to her self 'Isn't that kinda early?'  
  
Ron didn't know what to do with two of his employees gone. Before he could bring the thought any further Percy walked in. "Why are you up so late, shouldn't you be in bed by now?"  
  
"What does it matter to you Professor Perky?" Ron wasn't in the mood to be lectured by the new DADA professor. Before Percy could begin to speak Fred and George climb out of the fireplace.  
  
"What are you doing here!?"  
  
"What are YOU doing here?" Fred and George say together as they dust their clothes off.  
  
Professor Percy stormed out of the room, "No respect! I get no respect at all!"  
  
"See you later Professor Perky!" They laugh and turn to Ron, "So what's been going on Pimp-daddy?"  
  
"It's been a rough day… I just lost two 'employees'!"  
  
"That's too bad... what ones, any of our favorites?"  
  
"Hermoine and Gin-" Ron was suddenly interrupted with the sound of loud pleasurable moans coming from the next room.  
  
"It's Cho!" George exclaimed.  
  
"Of course! I'd recognize those moans from anywhere." Fred agreed.  
  
A few minutes later Cho and Harry walk out of the boys' dormitories.  
  
"Did you have fun Harry? Was she good?" Ron looked at Harry in anticipation.  
  
"Was she good?" said Harry as he straightened his robe. "What do you mean by that?"  
  
"Don't kid, you know what I mean, Harry."  
  
Cho looked worried and flustered. "Oh dear…"  
  
"Did he pay you yet?" Ron looked toward Cho.  
  
"Oh me, Oh my…"  
  
Harry looked at Cho, "Um, what is Ron talking about… dear?" Cho's eye's darted for the floor.  
  
"Cho, what's going on?" Harry looked worried.  
  
"I'll tell you what's going on, Harry. Her deadline is way overdue!" Ron looked slightly angered, "I've only told her a million times that I need the cash for the damned equipment Lavender wants, so she'll stop pestering me about it!"  
  
"Have you gone mad? I still don't know what the bloody hell your yapping about!" Harry was beyond confused.  
  
"Um... we have to go now... yeah." George and Fred went back through the fireplace.  
  
"Oh don't be so naïve, Harry. Cho is a whore and she works for me."  
  
"You…" Harry choked through his laughter, "have got to be joking!" Cho burst into tears and ran out of the common room. "Cho?"  
  
"I wasn't joking…" Ron was dead serious. Harry sinks to the floor with a far away look in his eyes. 


	2. Chapter 2: Cho's Worst Nightmare

Chapter 2  
  
Cho's Worst Nightmare   
  
"What's wrong with her?" Dean said to Seamus.  
  
"Oh, maybe it's because I forgot to pay 'er last night." Seamus looked across the table at Hermoine. "Eh, 'ermoine, how much do I owe you?"  
  
"What?" Hermoine's eyes were glazed over.  
  
"So, I don't have to pay you?" Seamus looked surprised. "Oh, cool I can get that male enhancement equipment!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
Nevile looked disgustedly down at his plate, "I don't think I'm hungry anymore."  
  
"Um, for this guy I know... yeah..."  
  
"Well anyway, she looks kinda out of it." Dean looked worried, "Maybe she's burned out..."  
  
"Nah, I just wore her out last night."  
  
"Yeah right, I was the only one bouncing her buggy last night." Dean looked proudly at Hermoine as he continued, "She was howling even after we stopped."  
  
"Probably only howling for what a pathetic client she was employing, ha!" Seamus was laughing his arse off by now, but Dean was obviously pissed.  
  
Ginny turned to Hermoine, "I thought we quit." She sounded stern.  
  
"Eh?" Hermoine was still a bit cloudy as to what was going on around her.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She was pissed now, "Why are you still sleeping around?"  
  
"It wasn't me..." Ginny noticed drool coming from a corner of her mouth.  
  
"Dear Lord she's rabid!" Dennis screamed and ran out of the Great Hall.   
  
"No, dear just you." Ginny said under her breath.  
  
Dean fell off his seat in a fit of laughter. Hermoine got up from the table and began to leave.   
  
"Where are you going?" Ginny said, chasing after Hermoine, "Wait, where is Harry? More importantly where the hell am I?"  
  
Hermoine ignored her and continued out the Great Hall.  
  
"Harry, we're gonna be late to class." Cho breathed into his ear.  
  
Harry sat up in his bed, "Shit… Cho I've got to show you something."  
  
"What are you taking about?" Cho hopped out of bed and began to dress. "You've been acting strange lately, Harry dear."  
  
"We don't have time to discuss how I'm acting right now," He sounded serious, "I have to show you something… follow me" Harry took up his invisibility cloak and swung it over the both of them. Harry grabbed Cho roughly by the arm and led her out of the boys' dorms.  
  
They made their way out of the castle and across the grounds toward the Whomping Willow. The tree began to flail as they came nearer. Harry threw Cho from beneath the invisibility cloak. "Harry!" Cho stumbled closer to the flailing tree, WHOMP!  
  
"Holy shit! Cho!!!" Harry screamed. He took out his wand and aimed it at a stump at the bottom of the tree, "Diffindo!" The Whomping Willow stopped abruptly.  
  
"That was so cool, I bet she flew over twenty feet!" Harry said under his breath as he ran over to Cho. "Cho! Are you alright!?" Cho didn't respond. He knelt down beside her unconscious body and took her into his arms, grinning wickedly. "I hate you, Cho."  
  
Harry dragged Cho's limp body down through the tunnel under the Whomping Willow. At the end of the tunnel they came to the Shrieking Shack. Harry stepped into the foyer with Cho still in his arms, he leaned her against one of the walls.  
  
"Cho wake up. Are you ok?" Harry whispered into her ear. Cho slowly came to and sat up.  
  
"What happed?" She glanced around the room with a confused look.  
  
"It's interesting that you ask that, Cho…" Harry had a wicked look in his eyes.  
  
"Harry, what are you talking about?" She still looked confused, "Your scaring me, Harry baby."  
  
"You will die, Cho!" Harry whipped out a jagged and old knife and struck Cho's arm viciously.  
  
"Harry! Have you gone mad!?!" Screamed Cho as she backed further into the wall. Harry took another jab at her, this time placing a gash in her side. "Harry!" Cho screamed in pain. "NOOOO! HARRY!! AHHHhhhh…"  
  
"Go join your precious Cedric, bitch!" Harry grabbed her arm and wrenched the jagged knife into it; blood pored out of the gash. Cho's screams silenced, she was unconscious again.  
  
Harry noticed the sun glairing through the shingles of the roof, "Damn, it's almost noon, I'll be late to Snape's!" Harry left Cho's unconscious body and left back through the tunnel. 


	3. Chapter 3: Harry's Tail Bone

Chapter 3  
  
Harry's Tail Bone  
  
"Hermoine! Wait up!" Ginny trotted after Hermoine.  
  
"… Snape…" Hermoine said still looked out of it.  
  
"So that's what you've been moping about for." Realized Ginny, "Snap out of it! You're making a fool of yourself, you should be used to these kinds of situations, Hermoine. You are a whore after all."  
  
"WHAT!" Hermoine jumped out of her not-all-there-type-phase with anger, "I am not a whore! Well… not anymore anyway…" Hermoine began to mope some more.  
  
"I told you to snap out of it, already!" Ginny wasn't in the mood to deal with an overly mopey Hermoine at the moment, "This is Snape we're talking about, not Horny Harry or Randy Ron."  
  
"Horny Harry? Randy Ron? What the hell?" Ron had caught part of their conversation while walking by. "And what's this I hear about Snape?" He looked at them angrily. Ginny just stuck out her tongue and turned her back toward him to continue her conversation with Hermoine.  
  
"I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, Hermoine… Snape's not all that bad-"  
  
"What! You're working for Snape now!!!" Ron practically screamed, "I knew it! This is ridicules, so you ditch me to work for Snape of all sons-of-bitches?"  
  
"Where the hell did you get that idea!?" Ginny turned back to Ron, You SICK FREAK! Why the hell would we go work for Snape!?" Ginny's face started turning red with anger.  
  
"I KNEW IT! You little whore!" Ron's ears started turning red with anger.  
  
"See here, Hermoine and… Hermoine?" Ginny looked to her sides in confusion, Hermoine was gone, "URG! Ron you ass!" Ginny stormed off.  
  
"Good riddance!" Ron said storming off in the other direction.  
  
Hermione walked into Snape's class.  
  
"What are you doing here!? I didn't want to see you until tonight!" Snape said as the class went silent.  
  
"What are you talking about! This class is on my schedule!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Oh ok...sit down then..." Hermione stalked to her seat and plopped down into her seat.  
  
Harry ran into the room.   
  
"You're late Potter! A half an hour late!"  
  
"What the hell! It's only 5 minutes!"   
  
"Get the hell out, Potter!"   
  
"What?! I need to pass this class!"  
  
"I don't feel like dealing with you! Get out!" Snape yelled and the whole class was still silent.  
  
And Harry stormed out of the class. "Fine I don't feel like dealing with you either!"  
  
As he ran along the corridor, he ran smack dab into...  
  
"Lupin!" Harry exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Oh...I'm just...visiting...yeah that's it, visiting."  
  
"Really, well nice to see you, I have to get going." Harry ran past Lupin.  
  
"Whoo, that was close." Lupin said. Just as he was saying that, Harry slipped on a banana peel and screamed his tail bone.  
  
"My tail-bone! Shit that hurt!" Harry screamed more.  
  
Lupin disappeared into the shadows.  
  
McGonagal slammed open her door "What the hell are you doing Potter???!"  
  
"I slipped Professor. I think my tail bone might be broken. Can't you hear me screaming out here?" Harry said in painful rage.  
  
"Oh ok...go to the infirmary..." Said McGonagal.  
  
"Sure. Thanks for all your help and concern." Harry said sarcastically. He got painfully up and began to limp toward the hospital wing, moaning irritatingly the whole way.  
  
"What seems to be the problem, Harry?" Said Madam Pomfry as he walked in.  
  
"I think I BROKE MY TAIL BONE!!!!" He screamed obnoxiously at her.  
  
"Really well, go sit down over there and I'll deal with you in a minute." She said angrily, "I have to take care of Hermoine first, she keeps murmuring something about Snape."  
  
"SIT! I don't think so! I'm not going to fucking sit down with a fucking broken tail bone!"  
  
"FINE, THEN STAND!" She screamed while stomping back over to Hermoine, who was hunched over in a chair sulking.  
  
Harry went and stood against (sideways as to not hurt his broken tailbone.) the far wall to wait for Madam Pomfry's assistance.  
  
"Ok Harry I'm ready for you now." Madam Pomfry said strangely cheerfully.  
  
"Finally." Harry breathed, "My tail bone is broken... I think."  
  
"Ok, off with your knickers I need to take a good look." 


	4. Chapter 4: Hermoine's Favor

Chapter 4  
  
Hermoine's Favor  
  
"Did you want me to walk you to Snape's quarters?" Asked Ginny, "It is almost 10."  
  
"Naw… I think I can make it…" replied Hermoine drearily.  
  
"Are you sure you can find your way?" Ginny looked concerned, "You have been out of it all day…"  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure…"  
  
"Well don't say I didn't offer." Hermoine started out the dorms.  
  
"Where're you off to 'ermoine?" Asked Ron nosily, "Who's money are you wasting this time?"  
  
"Shut the hell up Ron!" Screamed Ginny, "This is none of your business!"  
  
"Well it should be!" Screamed Ron back, "It should be my business, if ya'll didn't quit it would be! Stupid bitch!" Hermoine left as the siblings continued to quarrel.  
  
Hermoine made it down the corridor leading to Snape's without any trouble from idle authority. She was there, in front of Snape's door dreading to open it when it opened itself, or rather Snape opened it.  
  
"You're late!" Snape snapped.  
  
"Sorry…" She stood there looking at her feet. Snape grabbed her and pulled her into the room hurriedly.  
  
"What are you trying to do, just standing there in the hall? Get me in trouble?" Said Snape furiously.  
  
"Sorry…" She gazed down at her feet some more. Snape slung her onto his bed. He pulled his shirt over his head. Hermoine gawked up at him, despite all odds he was fairly well built. He lifted her skirt…  
  
"Where's Hermoine?" Asked Ron, "Didn't she ever come back last night?"  
  
"… Oh shit…" Ginny completely forgot (It's not unusual for them not to see each other every breakfast, due to being whores and all.)  
  
"That sick bitch…" mumbled Ron as he scooped some eggs into his mouth.  
  
"Oh yeah, well, where's Harry?" retorted Ginny.  
  
"Probably fucking Cho again" replied Ron smartly.  
  
Hermoine walked into the Great Hall and sat down next to Ginny. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday.  
  
"Well it's obvious what you've been doing" Ron spit.  
  
"Shut up, Ron!" Yelled Ginny across the table, "Are you okay?" she said as she turned to Hermoine.  
  
"Yup…" Said Hermoine dazedly.  
  
"What's with that look? You're freaking me out Hermoine…" Asked Ginny.  
  
"Whatever do you mean?" Hermoine gazed off into space with a stupid grin on her face.  
  
"Oh no…" Ginny said seriously, "You've fallen for him, haven't you?"  
  
"What? I don't understand." Said Hermoine in a far off whimsical voice as she continued to stare past all that was visible.  
  
"Hermoine! What did he do to you?" Ginny's eyes were practically bulging in fright, "He didn't give you any funny looking potions did he?" Ron stealthily scooted in closer so he could hear what they were talking about. Ginny saw this and jabbed him in the eye with her manicured finger.  
  
"Ahh!" He hollered, "You!" He groped at his face.  
  
"Well if you weren't so nosey!" Hollered Ginny back at him. Ron jumped up from the table, overturning his plate in the process and ran from the Great Hall holding his eye. "Finally we can talk."  
  
"Well… what would you like to talk about?" Said Hermoine to nobody in particular.  
  
"Hello! Duh! I want to talk about you and Snape!" Ginny said shaking Hermoine by her shoulders.  
  
"Well… I love him." Giggled Hermoine stupidly.  
  
"WHAT!?" Ginny exclaimed, "What the hell happened last night for you to fall in love with Snape!?"  
  
"Well… first he threw me on the bed, then he took off his shirt…" said Hermoine, "Oh by the way he's got the sexiest body." Ginny shuddered.  
  
"Okay and, go on, please."  
  
"Then he lifted my skirt and—" Hermoine was cut off by a sudden high-pitched screeching. Everyone turned to look toward the entrance to the Great Hall.  
  
"I'm a merman!" Screeched Harry. He began gurgling up foamy bubbles.  
  
"Dear Lord he's gone rabid!" Screamed Dennis as he ducked under the table.  
  
"You idiot." Breathed Ginny.  
  
Harry screeched once more then ran out the front doors of the castle. Ginny jumped from her seat grabbed Hermoine and ran after him. They saw him just as he jumped into the lake. 


	5. Chapter 5: Cho's Demise

Chapter 5  
  
Cho's Demise  
  
Harry pulled his new shrimp like body from the lake, he felt like shit. "I feel like shit…" He made his way to the Womping Willow, wand ready. "Diffindo!" Harry screeched irritably. The Womping Willow stopped all movement abruptly. Harry slinked through the tunnel and once again towards the Shrieking Shack.  
  
"Harry!" Cho said excitedly (Yes, she's still alive!), "What happened to you!? You look like you just climbed out the Lake!"  
  
"Cho…" Harry glared at her in disgust, "You're… still alive… excellent" She was still covered in blood from their encounter of the day before.   
  
Cho blushed, "Your new body, Harry…" She said stupidly, "Is so… kinky!" She gazed from his scaly feet and tail all the way up to his, "Harry! Where did it go and where are your clothes!? " Harry hadn't noticed anything missing, so he glanced down and fainted.  
  
Cho grasped his, "Harry are you ok!?" Harry slowly came to.  
  
"Cho…" He said drearily, "I hate you…"  
  
"Harry, I've got something to tell you, Harry." She looked at him desperately.  
  
"What do you want, bitch?" Said Harry loathingly.  
  
"Harry, I'm preggy…" Cho said quietly…  
  
"What the hell is that suppose to mean!?" Screeched Harry.  
  
"I'm pregnant, Harry! I'm pregnant!" Screamed Cho turning bright red in extreme embarrassment.   
  
"What!?" He screamed.  
  
"I'm sure of it, Harry…" She said, "But… unfortunately it's not yours…"  
  
"WHAT!?" He screamed louder.  
  
"I'm so sorry Harry…" She diverted her eyes to the floor and proceeded to get up. "Oh, by the way Harry… I have dinner ready... If you want any, that is."  
  
"Don't fuck with me, woman! Who the hells spawn is it!?" Screamed Harry yet, louder.  
  
"It's Perk—er' Percy's…" Said Cho shyly.  
  
"Ewwww…" Said Harry with revulsion. "That's it!" Harry lunged for Cho and caught her neck in his mouth. He grabbed her arms and pulled her closer despite her fierce struggling.  
  
"Harry!?" Shrieked Cho, "You're being too rough!" Harry didn't stop sucking on her brittle neck until it was dry of blood, and Cho's body went limp with death (now she's dead). Harry wiped the bitch's blood from his lips.  
  
"Lovely meal it was!" Harry said as he skipped back down the tunnel and off to class.  
  
"Are you willing to take the position Mr. Lupin?" Said Dumbledore humbly.  
  
"Am I willing!?" replied Lupin happily, "How could I not pass this opportunity up!?"   
  
"I'll take that as a yes, then." Dumbledore said with a silly grin. "You can start your new job as soon as I take care of a few more… arrangements."  
  
"Terrific!" Chortled Lupin. 


	6. Chapter 6: A Beetle's Demise

Chapter 6  
  
A Beetle's Demise  
  
Harry walked into DADA he was almost a half an hour late. Everyone turned to look at him.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" barked Percy.  
  
"Who the hell do I look like!?" snapped Harry back. "I'm Harry you blind dolt!" Everyone's jaw dropped.  
  
"What in the name of Sir Cadogan happened to you?" Percy looked at Harry disgustedly, "You look like you just crawled out of a barrel of cursed polycrackers."  
  
"That bitch Pomfry cursed me with her vial antidotes." Harry hissed.  
  
"Oh…" Percy glared at him, "Well, go put some clothes on. You're disturbing my class, not to mention myself." Harry gave Percy one last glare of poison before storming out of the classroom.  
  
Harry caught a glimpse of Ginny as she turned a corner, "Ginny! Wait!" Ginny poked her head around the corner to see who had called her name.  
  
"Get away from me you creep!" Screeched Ginny as Harry ran to catch up with her.  
  
"You idiot!" Yelled Harry, "It's me, Harry!" Ginny looked a little closer at him.  
  
"What the hell happened to you?" Said Ginny disgustedly. "And why don't you have any clothes on?  
  
"I'll tell you later. Where's Ron?" Replied Harry hurriedly.  
  
"Well if you must know." Said Ginny taking her precious time, "I jabbed him in the eye and he ran off to see Madam Pomfry."  
  
"Shit!" Harry said as he turned and ran towards the hospital wing.  
  
Ginny continued on her marry way. She was to meet Hermoine in the Library where they were supposed to study. It was one of the many efforts they were making in order to return to their old straight and narrow ways.  
  
"Ginny!" Ginny turned to see who was shouting at her this time.  
  
"Oh, Penelope. What are you doing here?"  
  
"Just visiting my horny-cakes Percy." Chortled Penelope happily, "But I've forgotten which room is his. Can you help me?" Ginny gave her a strange look.  
  
"Of course! His quarter is number 382 in the East wing."  
  
Ginny finally made it to the library. "Hermoine, guess what." She said as she made her way over to the table Hermoine was seated at.  
  
"What?" Replied Hermoine not looking up from her book.  
  
"Harry is a mutant and Penelope is visiting."  
  
"That's fantastic, but you won't believe what I've found." Hermoine was still gazing down at her book.  
  
Harry slammed open the clinic door, "Pomfry!" He screeched in anger.  
  
"Oh, Harry, dear your back." Said Madam Pomfry cheerfully as she carefully dripped fizzy purple eye drops in Ron's swollen eye.  
  
AAUUUURRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ron crumbled in pain while groping at his eye once more. "MY EYE!!!!!!" He keeled over unconscious. Both Madam Pomfry and Harry stared at him in astonishment.  
  
"What the bloody hell did you do to him!?" Screeched Harry at her viciously.  
  
"I just put a little Hexeropuff in his eye." Said Madam Pomfry innocently.  
  
"What the hell is that?" squealed Harry in anger.  
  
"Well, you know…" Madam Pomfry stared down at Ron scratching her scalp, "Just a little something I had Snape whip up for me."  
  
"Bitch! You ain't fooling nobody!"  
  
"Fine so it's a poison! But who really cared about that brat anyway!" Madam Pomfry screamed in anger, "It's not like his mom will miss him! They have so many damned kids I bet they won't even notice he's gone!"  
  
Ron suddenly started fidgeting. Harry and Madam Pomfry looked down at his sprawled body.  
  
"Ron?" Said Harry quietly, "Are you alive?" Ron slowly lifted himself from the ground.  
  
"What the hell kinda question is that?" Replied Ron.  
  
"Well you're supposed to be dead." Pomfry said simply.  
  
"Shut up bitch!" Hollered Harry.  
  
"Um… Sorry for being nosey, but why aren't you guys wearing any clothes?" Said Ron Shyly.  
  
"What do you mean?" Said Pomfry with curiosity, "I'm definitely wearing clothes."  
  
"Well, I've been walking around nude all day." Answered Harry.  
  
"You both look quite naked to me." Said Ron matter-a-factly.  
  
"Oh shoot, the poison must have had a reverse affect on you." Madam Pomfry looked worried, "Instead of killing you like I hoped, it made it so you had x-ray vision."  
  
"Awesome!" Squealed Ron in delight.  
  
"Damn it! Why couldn't you have poisoned me like that!?" Screamed Harry angrily at Madam Pomfry.  
  
"Yeah!" yelled Ron in agreement, "Wait… what did you poison him with anyway?"  
  
"I just injected his annular area with a little Mermacrostix and replaced part of his tailbone with a vampire fang. Simple as that." Replied Madam Pomfry like she was answering a question given by one of her medical professors.  
  
"What the hell is Mermacrostix?" Asked Harry inquisitively.  
  
"Merman cum."  
  
"That's sick!" Screeched Ron in horror.  
  
"Well off to class you two." Said Madam Pomfry all too cheerfully, "Oh and Harry please put on some clothes."  
  
Harry and Ron hurried out the door and towards Griffindor Tower.  
  
"Hey Harry I just learned something new!" Said Ron excitedly.  
  
"What?" Replied Harry Rolling his eyes.  
  
"If I close my poison eye I can't see x-ray."  
  
"Stop gloating you bastard." Harry was pissed.  
  
"What is this I hear about x-ray vision?"  
  
Harry and Ron whipped around to see who was talking. Ron closed his x-ray eye abruptly in disgust.  
  
"What do you want Malfoy?" They said in sarcastic unison.  
  
Draco took a step forward, as to say he was there for business. As he placed his foot he stepped on a large beetle. It made a disgusting squishy crunching sound. Draco looked at the bottom of his shoe, "Ewwww!" He gasped in revulsion. Little did he know that he beetle he had stepped on was none other than Rita Skeeter. 


	7. Chapter 7: Perky's Demise Part I

Chapter 7  
  
Perky's Demise: Part One  
  
"Wait before you show me what you found," Said Ginny hurriedly before Hermoine could start talking about the book had she'd found, "I must know what happened between you and Snape last night!"  
  
"Well like I said earlier: He threw me on his bed, took of his shirt and boy was he hot!" Said Hermoine excitedly as Ginny cringed in disgust, "Then he lifted my skirt and—" Hermoine was suddenly cut off.  
  
"Hermoine! Ginny!" Both of them whipped around to see who was yelling their names. "This is a Library! Not a social gathering!" Hollered Madam Pince.  
  
"What are you talking about you old hag? We were just studying." Said Ginny in horror to the fact that Madam Pince may have over heard some of their conversation.  
  
"If you're going to chit chat, then do it some place else." Madam Pince said with her chin stuck in the air. "People are trying to read!"  
  
"Well let's state the obvious." Retorted Ginny with her chin stuck in the air just as high.  
  
"Here's something obvious for you to state, smart ass!" Madam Pince was past uterial pain, "You are leaving, NOW!"  
  
Ginny and Hermoine left. "How rude." Hermoine said in a fierce voice.  
  
"It's unbelievable how rude adults are these days." Said Ginny as Madam Pince was thinking, 'It's unbelievable how rude children are these days.'  
  
Draco just stood there for a minute as if he were contemplating what vulgar phase he would throw at Harry and Ron.  
  
"Well, what do you want Malfoy?" Said Harry as if he were talking to a special ed student.  
  
"Chill out! I just want some company for tomorrow night. Besides, Pimp Daddy here is the one I want to talk to not you, Potter!" Spit Draco.  
  
"Fine! I'll leave you two alone." Harry turned to Ron, "I'm gonna go get dressed I'll meet you at dinner."  
  
"Okay." Ron said cheerfully, he was excited about getting money off of Draco.  
  
Harry made his way to Gryffindor Tower and got dressed in his school uniform. That's when he realized he had left his invisibility cloak in the Shrieking Shack. "Shit!" he murmured to himself. He quickly scrawled a note to leave for Ron:  
  
Ron  
  
I may not show for dinner. Don't wait for me.  
  
Harry  
  
Harry quickly pinned the note to Ron's pillow and left. He was heading down the corridor toward the entrance hall when he literally ran into…  
  
"Dumbledore!"  
  
"Oh! Hello Harry!" Replied Dumbledore cheerfully; "I didn't even see you there."  
  
"Um… Yeah sorry for running into you." Harry didn't know what else to say, since last year he and Dumbledore had become a bit distant.  
  
"Where are you off to? I hope you're not planning to take a stroll outside." Said Dumbledore suspiciously eyeing Harry, "It's dangerous out there, this time of the month."  
  
Harry gave him a strange look, "Thanks for the warning." He had to hurry it was starting to get dark and almost dinnertime. Harry watched Dumbledore until he was out of sight and slipped out the doors to the castle. It was a lot darker than he had thought, but the full moon was enough light to see where he was going. He once again strode towards the Whomping Willow bellowing "Diffindo!" The tree stopped all whomping.  
  
Harry was almost all the way through the tunnel that led to the Shrieking Shack when he heard a low growl.  
  
"Leave… hurry!" Growled an inhuman voice. Harry wasn't afraid (he is a vampire after all), but he was full of curiosity. He continued down the tunnel, almost to the Shrieking Shack when he heard the low growl again.  
  
"Who's there?" Harry asked the darkness.  
  
"Leave!" growled the voice again, but this time louder. Harry jumped, okay maybe he was a little afraid. Harry was a few steps from the entrance when he saw two glinting eyes in the shadows at the far end of the room. "Leave!" Warned the growling voice again.  
  
"I just need my cloak, then I'll leave." Insisted Harry. The glowing eyes at the other end of the room glided stealthily closer to Harry.  
  
"I warned you." Breathed the growling voice into Harry's ear. This sent shivers up Harry's spine. He spun around, now face to face with a snarling wolf.  
  
"Lupin?" Harry asked, not sure of himself. Harry backed away slowly; his hand hit something. His cloak! He snatched it up and slung it around his body swiftly in one movement.  
  
Ron snatched the note off his pillow ripping the pillowcase in the process, "Damn it!" he cursed. He quickly looked over the note, crumpled it up, stuck it in his pocket and went off to dinner.  
  
Ginny and Hermoine were already at the table chatting away when Ron sat down across from them.  
  
"Where's Harry?" Asked Ginny sarcastically, she knew how Ron would answer, 'Probably fucking Cho.' She thought to her self amusedly.  
  
"Probably fucking Cho." Replied Ron.  
  
"Why do you have your eye closed?" Ginny asked laughing inside, "I didn't poke you that hard."  
  
"Because, I don't find seeing my sister naked particularly enjoyable." Answered Ron confidently; he knew they would both be dumbstruck.  
  
"You put Hexeropuff in your eye?" Said Hermoine. Ron was dumbstruck instead.  
  
"What the hell is Hexeropuff?" Asked Ginny.  
  
"It's a potion, commonly mistaken for a poison due to its painful effect, that gives one x-ray vision through dead materials." Explained Hermoine knowledgeably, "Didn't you write the essay on it in potions class?"  
  
"Pfft! I never do my homework in that class." Replied Ron and Ginny in unison.  
  
"Hermoine I need to ask you a favor." Ron said quickly.  
  
"Well, I won't agree until you tell me what it is." Replied Hermoine stubbornly.  
  
Ron took a deep breath, he knew this probably wouldn't end well. "Malfoy wants you tomorrow night."  
  
"What!?" Yelled Hermoine her eyes practically bulging from her head. "No way!"  
  
"Hermoine. He already paid me half." Ron looked at her intensely. "I'm willing to give you 60% of the profit."  
  
"We said we were done, Ron!" Said Ginny intervening.  
  
"80%" Hermoine said quickly. Ginny scowled.  
  
"75%, and that's as high as I'm going." Replied Ron.  
  
Hermoine thought about this for 3 seconds, "Deal." They crossed their hearts on it and the deal was sealed.  
  
"He wants to meet you tomorrow at midnight in the astronomy tower." Finished Ron.  
  
"Would you all please lend me your attention?" Dumbledore's voice boomed through out the hall and silenced everyone "We have an emergency announcement to make. Cho Chang has been missing for the past twenty-four hours, if anyone has any information to her whereabouts please consult any available authority. That is all. You may continue to enjoy your dinner." Dumbledore sat down, everyone did as he said and continued to enjoy their dinner.  
  
Harry stood there silently hidden by his cloak. Lupin still knew he was there, he could smell him. Harry was trapped between Lupin and the wall. He couldn't even move to the side, the floors were to old, Lupin would surely hear him.  
  
"KYAHHHHHHHH!" Suddenly there was a piercing scream. Lupin turned at the sound, Harry could see his ears perk. This was his chance. Harry leapt toward the exit. He took one quick glance behind him just as he was going through the door to the tunnel. Harry saw a glimmer of blood dripping from Lupin's chops as he stepped into a sliver of moonlight seeping through the cracked ceiling of the Shrieking Shack. He raced through the tunnel and back to the safety of the castle.  
  
Harry came heaving through the front doors. He was scared out of his wit. It was silent; dinner must be over. He snuck up to the dorms. Everyone was asleep, was it really that late?  
  
Harry couldn't sleep, his mind was filled with thoughts of what had happened that day. He decided to take a walk. He threw on his invisibility cloak and headed out of the dorms.  
  
Dumbledore just had one more thing he had to take care of before he could rehire Lupin as the new DADA professor. He grabbed a small vial of a thick green liquid and left his office.  
  
Penelope finally decided to go see Percy. She had been walking around the school all day worrying about what it was going to be like when she finally visited him. They hadn't seen each other in months.  
  
She knocked on the door to his quarters.  
  
"Who is it?" Hollered Percy, from inside. He sounded tired and irritated.  
  
"It's me Percy, Penelope." Percy opened the door. He looked surprised.  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Can't I visit my horny-cakes?" She said smiling warmly at him. He raised an eyebrow at the pet name.   
  
"I'm busy." He said coldly and began to shut the door.  
  
"Too busy for me?" Penelope looked up at him longingly. "Percy, we need to talk."  
  
"About what?" He rolled his eyes irritably as he said this.  
  
"Percy." She took a deep breath. "Are you hiding something?"  
  
"Penelope, this is ridiculous." Percy shook his head.  
  
"I want to know the truth!" Penelope hollered. Percy grabbed her arm and dragged her into his room.  
  
"Do you realize what time it is?" Percy said angrily.  
  
"Percy! Tell me the truth! I know your hiding something from me!" Penelope yelled.  
  
"You really want to know the truth?" He looked at her coldly. "I'm having an affair with Cho." 


	8. Chapter 8: Perky's Demise Part II

Chapter 8 Perky's Demise: Part Two "What!" Harry heard the shrieked word come from around the corner. He held his breath in anticipation. 'What the hell are people screaming for at this hour of the night' he thought to himself.

Dumbledore was astonished at the loud "What!" that echoed through the halls. He stopped abruptly and held his breath in anticipation. Then realized, 'What the bloody band-aids am I doing just standing here!? I'm the Headmaster to crying out loud. I should go see what's going on!' He ran forward to see what the hell people were screaming for at this hour of the night.

Suddenly Harry heard running footsteps billowing behind him. He turned flabbergasted to find Dumbledore dashing toward him at an alarming speed. He just stood there unable to move as the tremendous wave of blue robes came flying at him.

SMACK! THUD! CLUNK!

Dumbledore collided painfully with Harry. Harry's invisibility cloak went flying to the side, revealing his existence.

"Harry!?" said Dumbledore as he got slowly up, his knees creaking with age. "Where the blo—What are you doing out of the dorms so late?"

Harry quickly made it to his feet and brushed the dust off his uniform (remember he put it on). "I…" He didn't know what to say this was the first time he'd ever been caught after dark, but it didn't matter. Dumbledore seemed to be distracted with feverishly looking through his robes.

"Auhhhh," sighed Dumbledore in relief as he extracted a vial of thick, green liquid. "Not broken…" He whispered to himself.

"What is that?" Harry asked curiously. It reminded him of the Hexeropuff Madam Pomfry had dripped into Ron's swollen eye.

"Well it's…" Harry could tell Dumbledore didn't wish to share an explanation.

"It's Bulbarlous," said a voice from behind them.

"Penelope?" said Dumbledore and Harry in unison.

Penelope nodded her head toward the vial. "Bulbarlous, a poison commonly mistaken for perfume due to it's sweet smell. Though it's ineffective on the exterior of the body, Bulbarlous is extremely poisonous if consumed."

Both Harry and Dumbledore looked at her in amazement.

Dumbledore furrowed his thick white eyebrows. "What are you doing here?" He looked at Penelope, waiting for an answer.

"I came to visit my Perky, merely to find that he has betrayed me." She said with irritation.

"He got Cho pregnant…" Harry mumbled.

"I despise the despicable bastard." Said all three in agitated unison. Then looked at each other in surprise.

"I see…" breathed Penelope, "This seems to be an interesting, yet convenient situation that we are in."

"That it does." Agreed Dumbledore.

"Wait! I have a plan!" Harry said in shrill excitement. Harry searched his pockets and pulled out a small breath spray bottle and grinned proudly.

"And what exactly do you plan to do with that?" Penelope asked, undermining Harry in her tone.

Harry then took the vile of Bulbarlous from Dumbledore's unsuspecting hand and poured it into the little spray bottle.

Dumbledore had already caught on and was grinning too. "That's a good one Harry; you're as clever as your father was."

Penelope still looked at them trivially. "I still feel quite in the dark as to what you are going to do with that tiny spray bottle, now filled with Bulbarlous."

"Well, Percy is quite the horny bastard if he went after, of all bitches, Cho." Harry said explanatorily. Dumbledore nodded in agreement. "So, I figured that you could go in there, soak him your sappy goodness until he's nice and hard... then you could spray this in his mouth while saying something along the lines of, 'Oh Percy dear, your breath is quite stark.'" He finished imitating Penelope's voice poorly.

Penelope rolled her eyes at his imitation of her. "Well all might sound peachy keen to you, but do you realize how little Bulbarlous that tiny spray bottle contains? It's not nearly enough to kill someone."

"Yes but it is enough to render someone helpless." Dumbledore countered.

"Then we can just take the pleasure of finishing him off, without poisons." Harry agreed.

Penelope pondered this for a moment. Then finally answered, "Ok, I'll do it. But you two must have your wands ready, if anything should go wrong."

They snuck quietly to Percy's door. Harry and Dumbledore stood in the shadows, their wands armed. Then Penelope knocked softly on the door.

"Percy dear, it's me again..." she spoke majestically, her voice hardly penetrating the door. "I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what happened earlier."

Percy opened the door. "So, you're back." He looked at her over his glasses.

Penelope smiled seductively and pushed him into the room. The door closed. Harry and Dumbledore could here some rustling going on inside the room, but there was no telling what the noise was for certain.

Suddenly an obnoxiously girly scream came through the door. Dumbledore and Harry looked at each other astonished. Should they enter the room? They both thought.

Not seconds later the door creaked open. Penelope stumbled out of the room, as pale as chalk. "Oh... It's horrible!" she gasped.

Both Harry and Dumbledore's eyes widened. "Is it really that horrible?" Harry asked.

Penelope merely waved her hand nauseously toward the inside of the dark room in reply.

Dumbledore and Harry looked at each other frightened. "You go first!" Dumbledore said quickly.

"No way, José! You go first, you're bigger!" Harry argued.

"Fine..." Dumbledore said rolling his eyes. He walked cautiously through the door, Harry following close behind.

A few minutes later of what Penelope could hear was bickering they came out of the room. Both of them were as pale as she had been.

"It's horrible..." said Harry, shaking his head. "I couldn't even bring myself to touch him."

Dumbledore opened his hand to look upon what was now Percy. All three gathered around.

"He looks kind of like a chicken nugget." Harry said pondering aloud, as they all gazed down at the now tiny, shriveled Percy.

They began to walk down the hall. "Now what should we do with him?" Penelope asked.

Dumbledore looked down into his palm again. "I don't kno-" he was saying just as Harry interrupted him.

"Woah!" Harry said as he put out his arms to stop everyone. "Look at the floor." All of them looked down to the floor to see that it was glistening red. Harry bent down and touched the floor with his finger, then tasted it. Penelope rolled her eyes.

"Blood..." He said huskily. "Cho's blood."

They heard a low growl coming from the corner of the corridor.

"Lupin is that you?" asked Dumbledore. "I told you to stay in the Shrieking Shack until I could get everything straightened out."

Lupin growled again.

"Now, be a good boy and I'll give you a treat." Dumbledore held out Percy toward him. Then he looked to Penelope sympathetically, "Did you want to say good bye?"

Penelope raised an eyebrow. "Of course not!" She said insulted.

He looked back to Lupin. "Let's make a deal." Dumbledore said, "I'll give you this treat if you go back to the Shrieking Shack."

Lupin growled again, in a way that sounded strangely like agreement. Dumbledore tossed the treat and Lupin caught it gracefully in his mouth.

GULP!

Percy was gone. 


	9. Chapter 9: Hermoine's Plan

Chapter 9

Hermione's Plan

Harry woke to the far off sound of screaming in the distance. He was so damn tired from the incidences of the night before that he couldn't consciously analyze his surroundings accurately. He rolled listlessly out of bed and into his clothes. There was nobody else in the dorm… screaming in the distance… something must be going on. Realizing that there was (all too obviously) something going on he hurried out of the dorm and toward the screaming.

There was a huge crowd of people gathered around something that reeked so violently that Harry covered his nose immediately with his sleeve. There, he spotted Ron not ten feet from him.

"What the bloody hell is going on?"

Ron turned to him with an alarmed look on his face; he too had his nose covered with his sleeve. "Yarr, I really don't quite know, but I heard something to do with Cho and Peeves…"

"Oh my Lord, that whore, I thought I kill… um yeah…" Harry looked to the floor. Ron's eyebrow rose slightly to this. Harry noticed something different about him. "What's with the eye patch? And did you just say, 'Yarr'…?"

Before Ron could reply he was interrupted. "Please, everyone needs to keep calm!" Dumbledore bellowed, "If I could have everyone's attention!" Everyone in the corridor went silent and looked toward the headmaster.

Just as Dumbledore began to inform the students of what was going on there was some sudden maniacal laughter from the other end of the hall. "Bwah ha ha ha!" It was Peeves and he was holding something quite bloody and disgusting looking in his hands. "Let's go bowling!" Peeves hollered as he rolled the pulpy object toward the crowd of students. At first no one really realized what it was but soon enough there came screams of horror from the students standing at the front of the crowd and the source of the stench was revealed.

It was Cho's severed head and it was disgustingly mutilated.

The crowd split just as the head came rolling towards them. Finally it stopped right in front of Harry and stared eyelessly up at him. "Shi ni Cho!" Peeves chuckled evilly. Everyone turned and looked at Peeves, most of whom were quite pale.

"Yarr? … where did you learn Japanese?" Ron asked quizzically.

Peeves smiled, "From a lovely reviewer of long ago…" and he faded away into thin air.

"Ahem…" Dumbledore once again began to inform the students of what the hell was going on. "It seems we have located Cho Chang and all search parties should… um cease all searching. Please proceed to breakfast where you will be further informed of the situation." Everyone turned slowly and proceeded toward the Great Hall.

"Breakfast?" Ron exclaimed, turning to Harry his nose still covered with his sleeve. "He wants us to eat breakfast after having a severed head rolled at us?" Harry didn't respond he just stood there staring down at Cho's dead head.

"Mr. Potter" Dumbledore put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I would like to have a word with you, in my office."

Harry turned slowly to Dumbledore and stared up at him blankly. "…Yes sir…" Dumbledore began to walk down the hall, Harry followed about 20 feet behind. Ron was left standing there with an astonished look pasted across his face, to walk to breakfast all alone.

Finally they arrived at Dumbledore's office. "Harry, I know what you did." Dumbledore said as he turned and looked down at Harry.

"What?" Is all Harry could reply with.

"Harry, I know what you did." Dumbledore said as he turned and looked down at Harry.

"You can tell me this after what you did last night?" Harry yelled. "Don't think just because you know that I killed Cho means that I can't blab about you killing Percy!"

Dumbledore blinked. "You killed Cho?" He exclaimed.

"Um…." Harry waved his hand in front of Dumbledore slowly. "I did not kill Cho" He said methodically.

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow to Harry's strange hand gestures. "You may be a mermaid and a vampire but, I'm sorry to say you are no Jedi."

"Um…" Harry looked to the ground and folded his hands behind his back. "Damn it…"

"Anyway that wasn't the point…" Dumbledore stood there staring at Harry for several moments. "You are dismissed." He said finally.

"I thought you wanted to talk to me about something though." Harry stared back up at Dumbledore expectantly.

"Haha. Young Harry, I'm Headmaster Dumbledore, I work in mysterious ways." There was an awkward pause… "You may go… now"

"Uh yeah…" Harry left.

"Damn I'm getting old… can't even remember what I was going to say…" Said Dumbledore, as he walked over to his desk to fall asleep in his chair.

Harry made his way down to the Great Hall. He took the long way so he wouldn't have to pass by Cho's… mess.

As he entered the room everyone went silent. He walked slowly over to the Gryffindor table and found a seat with Ron, Hermione and Ginny.

"Uh…" He said as he scooped food onto his plate. "What's going on…?" Everyone stared at him with a ludicrous expression.

Finally the silence was broken when Dumbledore's bellowing voice filled the air. "Please lend me your attention I have an announcement to make." The room was already silent so the pause made here by Dumbledore was completely pointless. "Cho Chang's funeral date has already been arranged for next weekend. It will be held somewhere in Hawaii… Also there is a Garden Club meet tonight at 7:00 to watch the Moon Lily bloom. Thank you that is all."

"Why would her funeral be held in Hawaii?" Ginny asked curiously.

"Because she's Hawaiian, duh." Replied Harry.

"Cho is Hawaiian?" Hermione asked as she took a bite of eggs. "I never knew that…"

"What did you think she was? Chinese or something, heh?" Harry laughed.

"Aye." Said Ron

"Yeah." Said Hermione and Ginny in unison.

"Oh…" Harry said slowly. "Well she's Hawaiian; a descendent of Queen Liloukalani too actually."

"Woah, that's interesting…" Hermione said ponderingly while Ginny and Ron were thinking, 'Lilou who?'

"Yarr, all this talk about Cho… That reminds me," Ron said slowly, directing his attention at Hermione, "You have a date with Draco tonight."

"Oh my Gackt, you're right! I almost forgot." Hermione exclaimed. "And to think I would have lost you 25 of the profit."

"Aye, that you would have little lass, but don't forget 'bout that 75 you are sure to earn." Ron said as he reached for his eye patch.

"Oh, no you don't!" Ginny hollered and smacked his hand away from his face.

"Hem…" Hermione hummed. "I just remembered something very important!" She reached down into her book bag and dragged out a huge book entitled "Behind the Curtain of Magic".

"This book contains the secret to the—" Hermione was suddenly interrupted when the daily flock of owls swooped into the Great Hall. A letter fell onto Harry's Plate.

"Woah, I haven't gotten a letter in who knows how long." Harry said as he picked up the letter and studied it.

"Who be it from, matey?" Ron asked.

"It says it's from the Royal Court of the Witch World of Hawaii. Please stop talking like that Ron it's freaking me out." Harry slit the envelope open, unfolded the letter and read it aloud:

Dear Sir Harry Potter of Hogwarts,

The Royal Court of the Witch World of Hawaii, TRCotWWH, courtly invites you to attend Princess Cho Nina Chang Liloukalani XVII's funeral. Her magicalisty's funeral will be held in the Royal Courtyard of the Liloukalani Castle of the Witch World District of Hawaii next Sunday morning at 9:00 am. Please contact your local transportation or school headmaster for instruction of entering the Witch World District of Hawaii for some magic is required. We, the TRCotWWH, also invite any friends of yours, but enemies are not permitted.

With all due respect,

Queen Cho Nina Chang Liloukalani XVI

The Royal Court of the Witch World of Hawaii

"Woah, you received a letter from the queen herself!" Ginny said with glee.

"Yeah, but I don't know if I want to go…" Harry said slowly.

"I think you should, because I kind of want to go, too." Hermione said excitedly, "Just think! We might get to meet the Queen of Hawaii! Why wouldn't you want to go?"

"Well I really don't want to get up that early on a weekend…" Harry said, when really he didn't want to go because he was the one that killed the subject of the funeral.

"You're such a fruit." Ginny said bluntly. Everyone looked at her surprised. She paused and looked at them one at a time. "Well, he is!" She shoveled some pancakes into her mouth.

There was an awkward silence. "Well, back to what this chapter was originally about…" Hermione said decisively. "Like I was saying before, this book contains the secret to the veil in the Department of Mysteries."

"Why didn't you tell us about this earlier!" Harry said excitedly. "That's way more important than Cho's funeral! Think what we could do with that information! Oh my Gackt! Oh my Gackt!" Harry jumped up frantically and grabbed the book from Hermione. "The answer to the question everyone in the world who's ever read Harry Potter has been asking since the release of the fifth book could be in here! We could finally save Sirius from behind that ragged curtain!"

"YAY!" Everyone shouts happily.


End file.
